I Want Love To Die.

Every thing I say goes in one ear and out the other, like they’re just any ordinary word from an ordinary person, no one special.

How many times a day do I remind you I love you? Do you not see and feel how much I love you? The way I look at you speechlessly, how I get so lost in you, how I breathe you in at every touch. I want to see you every day, without a glimpse of you my day is incomplete. The voice I want to hear say “good night” is yours; the only face I want to see first thing in the morning is you.

How many times a day do I remind you I love you? Do you not see and feel how much I love you? The way I browse down the aisles at stores looking for your favorite drink, snack, and food; the way I’d shop in the men’s department just at the thought of you looking for a t-shirt for you. The concern in my voice when I ask “have you ate?” or “are you okay?”; the worry in my heart every time you’re doing something alone without another’s help. The way I’d let you take the first and last bite when we share food; the way I’ll fetch you soup and medicine when you’re sick.

How many times a day do I remind you I love you? Do you not see and feel how much I love you? The way I come and call after you when I barge off mad or when you turn to leave; the way I’ve apologized from the bottom of my heart each and every time despite who’s right or wrong. The way I’d think things through and still continue to stay and be with you despite all the bad vibes and red flags; the way I bust just to satisfy you and make you happy so you won’t leave me.

How many times a day do I remind you I love you? Do you not see and feel how much I love you?

My kind of love for you is the kind where I’d smile when I see your face in my mind, the kind of love where I’d miss you even if you were next to me. My kind of love for you is that crazy summer crush where I want to spend every second with you and end the night smiling from the bottom of my heart with my back against the door when you leave.

I’ve rearranged and reshaped myself in all ways that I can to fit you, I’ve tried and tried and honey I’ve tried so hard. You’ve done so much damage and ruined the system inside of me, I don’t know what to do, every where I turn is a blocked road. I have fought so hard for you Kai, I’ve been through the ringer and I’m all wounds and bruises now. Each time your tears fall or when you hurt, it hurts me even more. When I am hurt you leave, even when my heart is on her bending knees begging you, you leave without a trace.

Where is the love in that?

It’s a new year and you say you want to change and you want to work us out. Working your life out and working out the relationships in your life requires hard work. In my case honey, it’s not fair, because a hurricane went through my soul and you expect me to hang on and you tell me carelessly that every thing is going to be okay and expect me to be on my own. How am I going to heal on my own like this? It’s not fair…

Just once… Why can’t you just once come after me on my bad day and tell me you’re sorry despite who’s right or wrong.

Just once… Why can’t you just once surprise me and show up at my door when I am upset and give me a big kiss and hug.

Just once… Why can’t you just once drop every thing you’re doing and ask me what’s wrong and comfort me and conversate with me.

Just once… Why can’t you just once take me seriously?

Why can’t you see how much I am hurting inside, how much I need you and how much you’re suppose to make up. You let me slip away or leave me at my lowest, when I need you most. You never remind me of “us”, I always have to remind myself or you.

I feel so worthless.

I feel like trash.

I feel unappreciated.

I feel unloved.

You constantly close the door on me and leave me or let me go, and what hurts the most is I have to cope with whatever I’m dealing with and then come back to your feet.

You’re supposed to hurt with me.

You’re supposed to be concern about me and comfort me.

You’re supposed reassure and remind me even when I don’t ask.

You’re supposed to show me love by surprise.

I always have to cry on my own and baby sit my phone to see if there’s going to be a text or a phone call. I listen to the traffic outside my house for your car hoping you’d just show up at my door and tell me how you can’t be without me and you miss me.

But no it’s the opposite. You go on about your business and do whatever you do and whatever you want without a single thought or concern of me.

Then I’m just back again, like a dog to his owner, at your feet.

I hate myself and I hate this feeling. It’s like a burning sensation through my chest and it’s so bothersome, so sufferocating.

What Suddenly Occurred.

We all always complain about life, how fucked up it is and how hard it is. We complain about our finances, our jobs, our significant other, ect... The list goes on, bottom line is? Life is never going to go according to plan.

A few weeks ago my grandma took me out to eat and she said to me that she can tell that I am unhappy. She says I’m unhappy because I am not doing what I really want to do, that I am not where I am suppose to be therefore that draws unhappiness to my soul, a terrible feeling of unfulfillment. Why am I so afraid? I remember there was a time where I felt like I can be whatever I want and do whatever I want. I was a carefree and courageous, a very determined person who fought life to the very last 'knock-out' and still survived at the end. Come to find out, after one fight in the ring I'm already preparing for another fight. At times I find myself fighting in the ring back to back low-on-preparations because I had no idea this other fight was going to come jabbing my way. You never know when you’re going to win or when you’re going to lose, and I swear you’re never prepared for the results whatsoever.

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over,

it became a butterfly." -Proverb

Sure I can post up a blog about how my life is literally driving me insane and I can sit here all day at work being mad at the world and mostly myself, but that isn’t going to solve anything. I figured that if you want true answers to anything, you ask your damn heart, and whatever the first answer is? That's what you really feel and what you really want, and surprisingly a manifestation of truth for whatever question you've asked or whatever situation you’re currently in.

In my case, it isn’t about decisions anymore. I am wise enough to know my different choices and how to make the right decisions; it’s just the matter of making my decisions without hesitation. The problem with me is I always second guess everything and everyone. For example if I move back down to Chicago, I’ll second guess myself and ask, “Will I make it out there?” Another example, my current relationship, “Will he cheat on me?” I’m always second guessing, and in certain situations I think it’s good to take a step back and look at the big picture, but in other situations where time isn’t waiting for you anymore… You just have to dodge it and go for it, grab it, and make it yours.

"I don't believe there is pleasure in life. I believe there is only a relief of pain, we have to suffer to be on-top." -GSP

The last time I genuinely felt happy was when I lived in Chicago, which was a very long time ago. I was out on my own exploring the unknown, going to new places and meeting new people, and most importantly I was doing something with my life going to college and all. Right before I moved back, I met this guy name Jason, don’t ask how we met but I’ve never stopped thinking about him. I learned some things about men from him that I should apply accordingly when I look at my choices of men. He kept the conversations fresh and neutral, ‘getting-to-know-you’ type thing and didn’t speak of past relationships unless I asked. And even when I did ask he kept the answers simple and not too detailed because the past shouldn’t matter, there’s a reason why he’s sitting with me 4 in the morning at McDonalds in downtown Chicago and paid $17 for parking in their lot. Overall, he was pretty well-rounded and he knew just enough about himself - what he likes and don't like and what he's looking for in general. He was actually decent enough to ask me where I wanted to go and what I wanted to see before I left Chicago. Sure enough he took me on two dates, paid for it (I always trip on this because I’m always picking the guy up and paying for everything), and took me sight-seeing ect… Will I ever meet him again? Who knows. For all I know, there are smart considering decent guys out there because I met one. 

“Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.”

Personal issues, family problems, to relationship complications… I feel like I am at the ends of the world and I am more than ready to start fighting again. I’m going to start eliminating people and eliminating the extra baggage upon me and get back on my feet because as calloused as my heart is cracked up to be I know I am as tough as it gets and stronger than I believe myself to be too.

“Lord knows I have demons to overcome and devils to fight.”

Last night as I stayed up blinking, staring up at my ceiling in open air while my boyfriend was snoring away, hogged the blanket and had his heavy arms and legs piled over me. As he was comfortably sleeping I thought to myself how I shouldn’t be this miserable, it’s like every plan I had in life went terribly wrong. I shouldn’t be where I am today but further, I questioned, “What have I done with my life these past two years?” I thought about my siblings, how much we’ve been through and what more may come to take us on. I thought about my relationship with my boyfriend, how unhappy I am; how much effort I put in only to find out at the day of the day that I am running out of fight in me to make anything of this work. Then I looked over to him, and my eyes traced the shadows of his face… Something suddenly occurred as I thought about him and then I fell into a deep peaceful sleep.

You know what occurred? He doesn’t have the faintest idea of what he does or says. Then I thought about being the same way he is. I probably don’t have the faintest idea of my very own life right now. That’s no way to live, living only for today and living blindly for yourself up to no good. Then I thought about the list of people who I don’t ever want to be like, people whom I look at and shake my head each and every time telling myself, “You will make sure, you don’t ever become like them.” Unfortunately my boyfriend is now thrown onto that list, and I stopped the commotion that was stirring up inside at the thought of him because I figured that he doesn’t know a thing or two of real loss.

“You don’t know about real loss, because it only occurs when you’ve loved something more than you love yourself.”

I wouldn’t dare to love anyone that much anymore and I just found that out. Therefore that only means one thing, loving myself to the fullest until I meet my other half. This is the time to work on myself, that's what suddenly occurred.

Pregnant and Getting Married. OH NO! What went wrong???

Late last night my boyfriend and I talked about marriage and having kids in general. We spoke about plans in our lives and what we want to do. He planned his whole life with another person as I planned mine without anyone else but me. As we were falling asleep I was reflecting on our conversation and sure enough I had a dream that he got me pregnant and we got married. It wasn’t a bad dream and it seemed and felt right in the dream but I woke up sweating and had a panic attack. Right away I told him to get up and go home. Lol.

"A mother's joy begins when new life is stirring inside... When a tiny heartbeat is heard for the very first time, and a playful kick reminds her that she is never alone."

This year every one I know pretty much got married and got pregnant. My aunt Laura and Tina got married, my cousin Betsy got married while both her and Tina are pregnant women (Aunty Tina recently just gave birth to baby Ayson). My best friend Cha and his wife had their baby girl Luna in May, and my good friend Aaron had his second child also a baby girl in May. My friend Pao and his girlfriend Ia who’s been together for foreverness got married back in March. My aunt Mary finally had her second child, a beautiful baby girl and then my other aunt Kao became pregnant soon after. A few of my childhood friends and high friends recently gave birth, and I’m very sorry I haven’t gotten the chance to visit you girls. And my uncle Tou Hue tied the knot this past weekend and had a wonderful wedding. The list goes on and that is why I am SOO BROKE this year! Wedding gifts and baby shower gifts took a toll on my bank account. Hell did I mention Betsy is having triplets?!

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base." -Dave Barry

Anyway, being at these events and watching people vow to each other to be together for the rest of their lives, rubbing my hand on big bellies, and holding newborns makes me happy for the other person. But getting married and having kids never crossed my mind. Now that I have a boyfriend my family would tease me about getting knocked up early in the relationship and getting married. They would laugh at me when I say marriage and kids isn’t what I want. I grew up in a very abusive household and I fear of being like my mother, it’s so scary to me because I don’t ever want to harm any children. No lie I see my mother in me when I get angry but I am trying to prevent myself from becoming like her by all means. How could I possibly have a kid if I can’t even hold one for more than 5 minutes? And marriage? Let’s not even start on that, I grew up watching my parent’s dysfunctional marriage, their sick relationship that I hate.

My boyfriend brought up marriage here and there, and we both discussed what would happen if I ever got pregnant (he has had an abortion before because he knocked up his ex-girlfriend). I am 1,000,000% against abortion, why? Because my mom has had four and I witnessed one, long personal story therefore no matter what situation I am in I will push through to try my very best to give the best life I can to my child. I have a great boyfriend and I know somewhere deep down inside that we will be together long term. But does that mean I want to get married to him and have kids? NO.

"Sure God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece."

I’ve always felt different from my family and friends doing different things and headed towards a different direction for my own will. We’re not any different but just in comparison I’ve always had my own way of doing things in general for good or bad. I don’t want to get married early, have kids, and live in Minnesota for the rest of my life. I have so many hopes and dreams, places I want to go and people I want to meet. My wings have been itching to fly and I have yet to soar and reach heights of an eagle. How could I possibly experience and taste the world I live in if I get married and have kids?

"Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner of traveling."

I told my boyfriend that I was suppose to make a decision in 2012 of moving back to Chicago or not, to live in the big city and finish my degree at my design school for Fashion Design starting Spring semester. I chose the place I am living at now because it was only for temporary until I saved up a good amount of money to move back to Chicago. But because I met him and everyone deserves a chance, I postponed my short term goals/plans to see where we would head together as a couple. I can’t believe I would postpone any of my plans for anyone but I did however tell him straight up that if he doesn’t get his self together and get his license to become a cop within the next 6-12 months I will leave him and carry on with myself.

I was created for much bigger things, God has a plan for me.

I am blogging about this because the dream of getting pregnant and married that I had last night had hit me hard in a way where it occurred to me that I planned my future with no one else in it but me and the world that I will conquer. You guys have no idea how I feel inside when I think about what’s out there for me, being the curious person that I am I stay ready to dive into anything I want to get my hands on. I never felt physically beautiful but I know damn well that I am intelligent and talented, I am determined and courageous, and I am a fighter and survivor. Most importantly though, I need to really be careful and take better care of myself. I’ve been really careless with my boyfriend because we’re in that honeymoon stage of being lovey-dovey feeling like we can be together forever. But that isn’t the case and I know I won’t be too happy if I’ve come to find out that I am pregnant right now in this point of my life.

I just want to say this to myself, to all my single ladies, all my strong willed women who has a man and who is second guessing their selves, and all the young ones who’s madly in love… This world is too big and too wide with too many places to be and too many faces to meet for you to think that settling down and having kids is the ultimate plan in life. I am not against it if that is your hope and dream, don’t get me wrong, but if you have that slight urge to see what’s out there don’t you dare settle for less! Go out and get what you’re worth and seek until the end of the world. Do not wait for anyone because time you waste is time you’ll never get back. Conquer the world while you can because I believe love will always find you no matter where you are in life, don’t you worry about being alone because you are too beautiful and too wonderful to think so.

"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning to sail my ship."

For those close to me who recently got married, had kids, or is pregnant… I am truly happy for you and I pray for the best in all honesty for you and your family. I am the last to know a thing about marriage or kids, but live life well to tell me that it is good and beautiful.

It's A Woman's World. Kelly's World, My World

Places I want to be, things I want to see, and people I want to meet...
Sistine chapel, waterfall in Bali, New York Fashion Week, Paris, Mariah Carey, Country side of China, Wild Horses, Eminem, Phantom of the Opera Play, The Ocean.

"I don't wanna get in between you and your girlfriend, but can I get your number?" SAY WHHAAA???

Okay so people have been texting and personally messaging me and asking me what happened because of my status I had put up Sunday morning. LET ME TELL YA WHAT HAPPENED!!!

Me and my boyfriend went to my uncle’s hotel birthday party Saturday night and his Japanese friend brought THIS DIRTY Hmong girl with her, and this dirty Hmong girl’s name is ‘cunt’. I made my rounds of shots with my captain morgan and later on the night everyone was feeling good. Me and my boyfriend were minding our own business sitting on the other bed and cunt comes over and sits next to me leaning all over me trying to get to my man! My boyfriend even kissed me in front of her and she still had the nerve to stick around. I don’t even remember what her dumbass was talking about, all I know was that throughout the whole time I was like ‘yeah uh huh…’, ‘oh yeah? Sure…’ Then my uncle gets up and goes into the bathroom throwing up and so I got up and said to her and my boyfriend, ‘ya can talk…’ I was SOOO ANNOYED!

Since this is the first time me and my boyfriend were out together at a party as a couple, I observed him to see how he would handle the situation, because I know this will happen often in the future where some guy will try to get at me or some cunt will try to get at him. No matter how mad I was I was sitting down by the bathroom door making sure my uncle was alright as I listened to my boyfriend’s conversation with this hoe! And damn it I don’t call girls hoes or sluts because they’re such derogatory words, but she totally crossed the line. The minute I left she immediately sat close to my boyfriend and asked questions about us and about him. She kept talking about how she loved the single life and yet at the same time was all over my man.

A rocket ship went off when she said to my man, ‘I don’t wanna get in between you guys but can I get your number?’

GFERT#$^^YRTHW$%YU^%%^&$%#$@#$%%#^#$BhgfjhgfrJW$U546457$%BTHEFUCK???

Seriously? What the fuck you cunt. Even after my boyfriend said stuff like, ‘Uhhh my girlfriend can whoop some ass so you should go away.’ , ‘You shouldn’t be talking to me cause my girl don’t like it.’ Ect… her desperate ass would not leave! And I’m sure my dumbass boyfriend was flattered but I couldn’t believe he sat there for a good ten minutes talking to her too! What a NOOB!

What the 18 year old underage bad bitch, Kelly would have done? I would have grabbed that bitch by the hair and dragged her out of the hotel room into the streets and held her down on the ground and pound her face. Now I know you’re thinking, ‘ohhh how immature Kelly, she’s not worth it, how childish of you, over a guy? That’s so stupid.’ Blah blah blah… But if you guys don’t know, I am VERY PROTECTIVE of what is mine. No matter how sensitive I can be, when you’re out to get my boyfriend or fuck with my family and best friends I am there for what is mine 110% and you better bet that my maturity will be out the window and the fact that I am on probation for another year will not matter to me anymore when I am piss.

She was such a disrespectful bitch and I wish I could have at least said something to her to put her in check because she did it intentionally thinking it was okay, she thought that because I didn’t step in to say anything it was cool. Dirty ass cunts like her make me soo ashamed as being a woman, I don’t usually say this line because I’m not perfect and no one is perfect but ‘I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO ANOTHER GIRL!’ No matter how much of a big bitch I can be, I would NEVER do that out of respect. I swear, when she knocked out on the bed I had this scene in my head where I got on her and gave her a cheap shot right in the face. I just couldn’t get over it until the next day when my boyfriend and I talked it over and I thought things through. I told him that next time he immediately just needs to walk away because in my case if that were to happen to me I’d tell a nigga straight up, ‘I gotta a man so you needa step…’ I don’t care how fine a nigga look, how much swag a nigga got, or how much ice that nigga wearing… I will let a nigga know I gotta man and that’s that no questions asked and no need to give any further answers.

Okay SOOOO all that jazz was the 18 year old inside of me talking, I apologize for my hot mess of cursing and being obscene. Back to being my 21 year old self again and looking at it from a mature point of view, as long as my boyfriend know his role and know who his girlfriend is and who stands next to him at the end of the day then that’s all that matters. We freak out some time out of insecurities and out of not having trust for each other, but that isn’t me and my boyfriend, we’re in good shape and plan on staying that way. Because this was the first time this has happened to us, I really kept myself together to see how he’d react. I am overall very happy and proud of him cause he handled it well. I am also proud of myself because I didn’t get into a fight, usually without even arguing my fists flies quick towards someone when it itches bad due to that person irritating me. I handled it very well for not saying anything or reacting to it. Situations like this happen all the time to couples and it’s always blown out of proportion and it can either make it or break it.

I just want to rant and get it all out and let it go because it ain’t even worth it. But something inside of me wants to find her and just put her in check and throw her in her place. It’s a grudge, Lol. It’s time to grow up and I am on my way so there’s no turning back now. All the fights I ever got into is put behind me and I don’t ever want to go back there again because I’ve gotten into so much trouble. It is what it is.

BUT IF I EVER SEE THAT CUNT AGAIN! YOU BETTER BET IMA….

Just Kidding! Haha.

You're So Sweet.

I remember when my heart was so broken and I locked myself in the bedroom for 5 days straight. I didn’t come out, I didn’t eat, and I did not talk to anyone. I stayed in bed and I swear my eyes cried a river of tears and my heart ached deep down somewhere in a place I never knew I can feel. I never felt more shattered and lonely in my life. It felt like my world was coming to an end, and I just wanted to put an end to the horrible feeling.

Today I no longer remember how that felt exactly I can only remember the condition I was in. Time does really kill the pain. Since then I’ve been set on my own with flings here and there and maybe 2-3 guys that I might have genuinely liked, no biggie. Then all of a sudden Kai, my boyfriend, comes into my life so suddenly. Despite what people says about him, all that jazz doesn’t matter to me because we all have a past for good or worse.

All I really want in a relationship is someone like him, that’s all I know for now.

I can’t remember the last time I had the kind of happiness that he is bringing me today. He is a beautiful person inside out. He doesn’t appear to be that bright but when I am in bad shape he somehow sculpts me back in place and reminds me what we’re building together and why we chose to be together. I love how he spend nights over at my place and holds me in his arms and talk me to sleep. I never slept so comfortable for so long, he is somehow a source of comfort and security for me, and in those mornings and many mornings to come I see the sunrise in his eyes and morning dew has never been so beautiful.

Only he can handle my truth and accept my flaws. I can’t thank him enough for putting up with my tantrums, my crazy mood swings, and how my mind over thinks and assume the absolute worse. After my manic episodes he is still able to push me on the swing and laugh and smile with me at park as we spend quality time together. The way he tells me I’m beautiful and gorgeous has never made me felt more flattered, and the way he kisses me on my forehead I know he genuinely cares and adores me. If he only knew how much I admire his affection towards me.

All the time in the world wouldn’t be enough to spend with you hun. How is it possible that you can make me feel this way again?